Midlife Crises and Why I Don't Want One

I don't personally know anyone who's had a midlife crisis. Or maybe I do, and it just wasn't a very public one. I can't point to anyone I know and say, "Now that's what I'm talking about." But that's hardly surprising: I'm in my mid-40s and most of the people I know are my age or younger. So, just on the basis of demographics alone, it should be awhile before this phenomenon begins hitting me and my peer group, if it ever does. These days the focus is mostly on raising young kids, turning jobs into careers, and figuring out when it's time to move up in the real estate market (paying off about 1/3 of your current mortgage, or when someone you know "moves up" seem to be among the more common triggers.. sigh). So no one around me is really talking about men (or women) reaching a point in their lives where they suddenly decide they're in crisis.

And yet, it remains a topic of some interest to me. Not deterred by the fact that I have no first-hand or even second-hand experience in the area, I find myself trying to solve the puzzle (which no one is even claiming is a puzzle) for my own peace of mind. I don't think it's a case of me worrying that, if I don't figure it out, then I'll fall victim to it. (More on the victim angle shortly. Let it stand for now.) I'm convinced it's more to do with wanting to understand it so I can fit it into my (admittedly unique) world view. I think I have at least a sense of why some people become alcoholics, despite not drinking myself; but in that case I've had a couple opportunities to see it happening up close and personal, so it wasn't all that tough a nut to crack. But what makes someone conclude that their life isn't what they want it to be and decide that radical cosmetic surgery is the best way to fix it? And let's agree to say it's a midlife crisis if no one gets hurt (you buy a sports car; you get hair implants) and it's a Midlife Crisis otherwise.

Here's what occurs to me, purely speculative as it is. If you're the type of person who compromises at every turn in Life but quietly claims victory as you do so, or who settles for something less but won't admit it even to yourself, then you've probably set yourself on a path that you're not even (yet) aware of. It seems to me that the only two possible destinations for you, if you're that person, are a grave that's deep enough and wide enough to accomodate you and the baggage you accumulated, or an unmarked exit where you declare "enough is enough" and make a sharp turn. And what was the breaking point? Something big? Something trivial? A milestone birthday? A smell that conjured up memories from your childhood? It doesn't matter what, because it was probably always going to happen at some point anyway.

And that's my theory. Certain behaviour early leads to a specific reaction later. Clear cause and effect. It's consistent, at least, with the anecdotal evidence I've seen on the topic: third-person accounts, fictional dramatizations, and human nature. In this, the period of time in which we live: the Victim Age, where doing even the most stupid thing to yourself is almost always someone else's fault, is about to intersect with the greying of the Baby Boomers, I can't help but believe that the ingredients are all there for a great Midlife Crisis Stew. I mean, c'mon, it's not my fault that I got a bum deal in my life, and if I dump my wife for a younger woman, she probably deserved it, right? She should've read my mind and known that what I really wanted was her in a Wonder Woman costume every night and me tied up with a golden lasso, right? Right? And it seems like that's exactly the kind of thinking that goes into it. (OK, maybe not the obsession with Wonder Woman. That was just me havin' some fun!) The Crisis guy (cuz let's face it, it seems like more a male thing) makes himself believe that he's the victim, when really what's happened is that he made some poor choices along the way and now he doesn't want to live with them. And in fact, that's his right (it's a free country); but it doesn't make him a victim, nor his spurned wife any less of one.

So why don't I want a spot in the food line for the Midlife Crisis Stew? It sounds pretty appetizing, doesn't it? Don't worry about how you got here, just take anything you don't like and trade it in for a newer model (it's how we deal with cars, TVs and computers, after all). But I have two essential problems with that approach, both of which make me think I never, ever, want a taste of that stew.

First, I don't want to make bad choices. I don't care if you give me a "Do Over" card at some point. I take too much pride in thinking it through to not want to stand by my decisions after I make them. That attitude has necessitated me going through Life only compromising when I think I can live with it, and never settling for less (instead, I try to set reasonable expectations for what I get out of Life, which is generally speaking proportional to how much I'm willing to put into it).

And second, what kind of a moron considers his partner to be 'upgradable?' I mean, I like my car, I like my TV, and I even (somedays) like my computer.. but I love my wife! I tell her everything, and hope she feels she can tell me everything; so if I were unhappy, she'd be the first to know (well, second after me, I guess; no, on second thought, she probably would be the first to know!). If I were in a relationship that didn't work that way, well.. I wouldn't be in that relationship very long. Maybe point two is the same as point one now that I think about it: if you don't compromise or settle for less, then you'd be with someone for whom you'd rather take a bullet, than risk hurting. Even as they get older. Which, coincidentally, you're also doing. (Part of the Crisis equation often seems to involve that old saw about women getting older but men getting more distinguished. Trust me: everyone's getting older.)

But I guess only time will tell. Check back in about ten years and see if I was right. If I haven't had a Midlife Crisis by 2016 or so, I'll be able to do the victory dance for real... with my not-so-young-but-just-as-lovely wife in my arms, of course!

P.S. Greed isn't actually good. Selfishness isn't really a virtue. We're all free to be jerks, but let's at least be honest about it, eh?