Skipped Chapter 3: The Course of True Love

[If you haven't already done so, please consider reading Chapter 1: Play Time and Chapter 2: Growing Pains before proceeding with Chapter 3.]

Prologue

[A fortune teller's tent at the circus. Enter Jamie and Rich.]

Jamie: See? Check it out, Rich! It's totally like I expected! Check out the table with the crystal ball, and the curtains, and the incense! It's, like, right out of a movie!
Rich: And that's a good thing? You really think that Lady Fatima getting her interior design tips from old black-and-white Lon Chaney movies is a sign of authenticity?
Jamie: C'mon, man. It shows she's committed to the role! She's probably just giving the rubes what they want, that's all.
Rich: And by rubes, you mean us, right? You know it's just a scam, so why are you so eager to blow twenty-five bucks on something like this?
Jamie: Hey, at this point, I'll take whatever advice I can get!

[Enter Lady Fatima from behind a curtain.]
Lady Fatima: And what sort of advice do you seek, young sir?
Jamie: Holy crap! You scared me, lady! Is that part of the act, too? The whole appearing-suddenly-and-unexpectedly thing?
Lady Fatima: You entered my tent, seeking to know your fortune. I came. What could possibly be unexpected about that? Now, though it grieves me to, I must ask for payment. Have you both coming seeking Lady Fatima's guidance?
Rich: Nah, I'm just along for the ride. He's the only one wanting to have his palms read.
Lady Fatima: Lady Fatima is not a palm reader. I provide answers by sensing your aura and divining the paths you walk that are perhaps invisible to you. Such is my blessing. Such is my curse.
Jamie: [Laughing] Well, you've certainly got the act down pat! I'm almost buying it! Actually, I am buying it. [Hands over money.]
Lady Fatima: Thank you. Now what is it you wish to know?
Jamie: Well, I'm thinking my girlfriend's maybe cheatin' on me, but I don't really have anything to go on beyond a feeling. Can you look into my future and see if it's true? [Winks at Rich.]
Lady Fatima: As I said, I can divine the path you are on. I know naught of your female paramour. I can tell you that your lack of trust will long keep you from making a commitment; but I cannot say whether your fears are justified or not.
Jamie: Well... what kind of a rip-off is that? That's no help! You're basically saying it's all my fault if things don't work out with Gloria!
Lady Fatima: Lady Fatima does not.. rip off.. anyone, young man! Would you like to know your prospects for wealth, or how long you may live, or perhaps what employment opportunities await you?
Jamie: Screw that! You're nothing but a fake! I'm outta here! [Exits.]

Lady Fatima: [To Rich] A moment, if you would.
Rich: Um, I should probably go make sure he cools off before he does something stupid like punch out a clown.
Lady Fatima: Your friend is not my concern. You, however, have an aura the likes of which I've never seen in all my seventy years. Do you know the book of Revelations?
Rich: You mean, in the Bible? I'm not really what you'd call religious. I guess I know it's the last book, and it's all about Armageddon and the end of the world, and all that.
Lady Fatima: Those of us blessed with the gift of second sight, throughout the ages, have known that all things end. Hence, the prophets report it as fact, and most religions include final days in their scriptures, which they then use in their attempts to hold sway over their disciples. While I will not live to see the end of everything, I could tell when you entered my tent that you will. You will be there on Judgment Day, though little judgment there will be, I suspect. And yet... somehow you also hold the beginning within you.
Rich: I have no idea what you're talking about, but you're kinda freakin' me out!
Lady Fatima: It is not important that you comprehend. You walk a path that nothing, no force on Earth, could move you off of. I am truly sorry if I frightened you, but know this: you still have many years ahead of you, so make the most of whatever joy comes your way.
Rich: Yeah, whatever. Live long and prosper, to you, too, crazy lady! [Exits]

Lady Fatima: [Alone] Would that I were crazy. Would that I were.


Act 1, Scene I

[Laurie's apartment. Enter Laurie and Vanessa.]

Vanessa: I can't believe you're trying to fix me up with your brother! You know I hate blind dates!
Laurie: Hey, I promise, Rich doesn't have a foot fetish, and he doesn't collect dolls!
Vanessa: I've already lived those nightmares.. I'm guessing your brother's the type who likes to wear women's clothes or fondle himself in public!
Laurie: Yeah, thanks for that ringing endorsement of my family tree! Look, he's a good guy. A bit subdued sometimes, but he's got his reasons...
Vanessa: Oh, here we go! What's the matter? Did his basketball coach try to kiss him in high school? Or did he finally stop peeing the bed around the time he started having wet dreams?
Laurie: You're a real bitch sometimes, did you know that? Never mind, forget I said anything. Forget I even mentioned setting you two up.
Vanessa: Oh, c'mon, don't be all pouty. I was just teasing. What's big brother's skeleton in the closet? I can keep a secret, you know!
Laurie: Yeah, right! Seriously, never mind. It's something that happened a long time ago that he never talks about anyway. If you do go out with him, you've got to promise me you won't start bugging him about having some secret! Are we clear?
Vanessa: Of course we're clear, dear. Now you've got me intrigued about the mysterious Mr Dunfrey. You have Vanessa's official blessing: go ahead and make it so, little sister!
Laurie: [Looking uncertain] Why am I just sure I'm going to regret this?
Vanessa: Never in a million years. Your brother has no idea how lucky he is!


Act 1, Scene II

[Split stage. Table and chair with telephone, stage left. Couch with small table and telephone, Rich lying on couch, stage right. Enter Laurie, stage left.]

Laurie: OK, big brother, you'd better be home! [Dials phone number.]
Rich: Hello?
Laurie: Hey, bro, how are ya?
Rich: Hey, Laurie! What's up?
Laurie: Do I need a reason to call my only brother?
Rich: No, but I'll bet you've got one! Why else call me on a Saturday morning?
Laurie: OK, you caught me. I want you to meet a friend of mine from work. She's really nice!
Rich: Oh, for God's sake, don't tell me you're trying to set me up again? I don't need my little sister making blind dates for me!
Laurie: I just want you to be happy! What's wrong with that?
Rich: Nothing. But I'm happy enough without you trying to play matchmaker! Those things never work out.
Laurie: This time'll be different, I promise! Look, she's a really busy girl but she's free this afternoon. So how about if you two meet at Miles', at one, and see if sparks don't fly?
Rich: One o'clock? Today?!
Laurie: Yeah, I know it's kinda short notice...
Rich: Kinda?? It's almost noon already! I haven't even showered yet.
Laurie: Look, when opportunity knocks, you need to answer the door, right? I'm gonna call her now, and if I don't call back, assume you're good to go. One o'clock at Miles'. OK?
Rich: [Pause] Yeah, OK. Bye. And thanks, I guess.


Act 2, Scene I

[Miles' restaurant. Clock shows 2:10. Several table and chair sets, most empty. Vanessa seated alone at one set, tapping foot. Enter Rich.]

Rich: [Looks around. Approaches Vanessa.] Hi, are you Vanessa?
Vanessa: Oh my God! You actually had the nerve to show up, over an hour late? Do you have a death wish?
Rich: I'm really sorry! I lost track of time, and then I couldn't remember if Laurie said one o'clock or two o'clock. But now I'm guessing it was one, right?
Vanessa: Well no duh, Einstein! And the only reason I'm still here is I had a feeling you'd eventually slink in here, and I didn't want to miss my chance to do this - [Throws contents of wine glass in Rich's face] Eat shit, loser! [Storms out]

[Enter Kate, from nearby table.]
Kate: [Hands Rich a napkin] For all I know, you may've deserved that, but really! Who sits in a restaurant for over an hour just to throw wine in a guy's face?
Rich: [Wipes face.] Well, apparently she does! Sorry if we disturbed your meal. But now at least you can tell your friends you got caught in a Blind Date Drive-by. Should make an interesting water cooler story at work on Monday, anyway.
Kate: Yeah, it probably will. Well, better luck next time. [Starts to return to table.]
Rich: Hey, listen. I know I probably just made the worst first impression in the history of Mankind, but... As far as I can tell, you might be lunching alone, and I'm definitely facing a Table For One scenario now myself, so what do you say we share a table? You know, make room for other customers?
Kate: [Looks around.] Yeah, you're right. That 2:30 lunch rush is probably about to descend on us any minute now.
Rich: OK, so that was lame. But you're not going to throw wine in my face for it, are you?
Kate: [Laughing] No promises on that front. But... Sure, why not? I hate eating by myself anyway. I'm Kate, by the way.
Rich: Hi Kate. I'm Rich, and maybe someday I'll be famous, too!


Act 2, Scene II

[Miles' restaurant. Clock shows 4:45.]

Rich: You're not seriously suggesting The Two Jakes is as good a movie as Chinatown, though, are you?
Kate: Well, obviously not as good! Chinatown's a classic! But I just think people are unnecessarily harsh toward Jakes, because it is a sequel to such a great film. Judge it on its own merits, and it's an OK movie, not the abomination it's been labelled. It's not like we're talking about Psycho and Psycho II, after all!
Rich: You like horror films?
Kate: Definitely! Who doesn't?! The scarier, the better!
Rich: Oh my God. I think I may be in love!
Kate: Careful, buster! I've still got half a glass of wine left!


Act 2, Scene III

[Miles' restaurant. Clock shows 7:20.]

Rich: That's my sister for you! Her hearts always in the right place, but her head's.. well, you saw Vanessa, right? Hey, I think we'd better order dinner soon or they're going to kick us out. [Pauses.] Are you up for that?
Kate: I'm sure I had other plans for today, but for the life of me, I can't remember what they were. Waiter? Can we get a couple menus, please?


Act 2, Scene IV

[Miles' restaurant. Clock shows 9:00.]

Kate: So that's how I ended up not getting on the cheerleader squad in high school! It was clearly a case of mistaken identity...
Rich: Clearly.
Kate: ... but who wants to be a cheerleader anyway? How about you? On the football team? Date any cheerleaders?
Rich: No, I didn't really... I wasn't much for... High school wasn't a very happy time for me.
Kate: How come?
Rich: I... There was... There was this really weird thing that happened to me that sounds too unbelievable so I usually don't bother even telling people about it.
Kate: You can tell me. If you want to, I mean. I'll believe you.
Rich: Well, no you won't, but... So I was in Grade 9, and I was supposed to go on a Science field trip, except I knew something bad was going to happen....


Act 2, Scene V

[Miles' restaurant. Clock shows 9:35.]

Kate: That whole experience must've just blown your mind!
Rich: Yeah. It pretty much did. And still does. But you actually believe me?
Kate: Jesus, who'd make up a story like that?
Rich: OK, but you don't think it's weird that I knew it was going to happen?
Kate: Of course it's weird! It's, like, the definition of weird! But strange stuff happens sometimes. I went out with three guys in high school, and every one of them had David as their middle name! Now that's weird! I have unexplainable dating coincidences; you owe your life to a premonition about a doomed school trip. And the Americans keep voting Republicans into the White House. Who can figure out the universe?


Act 2, Scene VI

[Miles' restaurant. Clock shows 11:05.]

Kate: Can you believe we've been here for almost 9 hours? I'm going to have to start paying rent on that last stall in the restroom if we stay any longer!
Rich: So... [Pauses.] What are you up to tomorrow? Are you sick of me yet, or would you like to maybe take in a movie? They're showing Alien and Aliens as a double bill at the New Yorker. Four plus hours of face-huggin', chest-poppin' fun. Who can resist that?
Kate: You're one sick puppy! Luckily for you, so am I! Sure, here's my number. [Writes out and hands card to Rich.] Call me in the afternoon and we'll figure out the details. And listen...
Rich: Yeah?
Kate: You show up an hour late, and I'll be forty-five minutes gone. Are we clear?
Rich: Yes, ma'am.


Act 3, Scene I

[Kate's apartment. Enter Rich and Kate.]

Rich: I'm sure you must have one around here somewhere! [On hands and knees, looking through cupboards in kitchen.] Is this the first time the sink's been plugged up?
Kate: Since I've been here, yup. Maybe it's your fault! After all, you've been practically living here for three months now. Maybe my plumbing can't take all that extra hair running through it!
Rich: Yeah, and I'm sure your long, lovely locks have nothing to do with -- Oh my God.
Kate: What's the matter? Did you find my stash of Playgirls? [No response from Rich.] Hey, that was a joke. I don't actually have any porn magazines on hand. Sorry!
Rich: [Standing up.] Wow, I've lived this moment before. This is just like when I found it in McClusky's locker. [Holds up small green object, shaped like a cylinder the size of a D battery, but bulging and round in the middle.]
Kate: [Uncertain.] What happened then?
Rich: He and I got into a fight. Had to go to the Vice Principal's office.
Kate: Don't try any rough stuff. I'm pretty sure I can take you!
Rich: I can't believe this. How can this thing keep finding me like this?
Kate: [Moves closer to get a better look at object.] You do realize I have no idea what you're talking about, or where that thing came from, right?
Rich: I'll bet you've never even seen it before, have you?
Kate: Nope. But that sounds kinda lame, considering you just found it in my kitchen cupboard!
Rich: Not as lame as you'd think. It has a tendency to show up and then disappear.
Kate: You're kidding, right?
Rich: I'm really not. Do you remember, on our first date, how I told you about what happened in high school? The field trip I didn't go on?
Kate: Of course I do, sweetie!
Rich: Let's go for a walk. I need some fresh air, and you need to hear the part of the story I didn't tell you before. Somehow I think it'll be easier to tell now. With a straight face, that is.


Act 3, Scene II

[A bridge near Kate's apartment, crossing a river. Enter Rich and Kate.]

Rich: And then it was gone again. Right out of my backpack, where I know I left it. Just like it disappeared from under my pillow, when I was little. And like it keeps popping up in lockers and kitchen cupboards. And I've always assumed it was responsible for... warning... me about the field trip.
Kate: I don't even know what to say.
Rich: Still believe me? Even this part?
Kate: I guess... I guess I do. I know you too well to think you'd possibly think this was a funny prank, or a joke.
Rich: Yeah, I'm not really one for practical jokes. Giving, or receiving. Though I sure feel like I'm in the middle of one whenever this [Pulls object out of pocket] shows up in my life!
Kate: Last time it showed up, it saved your life, Rich!
Rich: I know. But this time I think it's trying to ruin it.
Kate: What do you mean? Did it... Is it making you see something right now?
Rich: It just gave me a little glimpse, yeah. If I believe it, you're going to cheat on me. With a doctor.
Kate: Tell me you're kidding. Please.
Rich: I wish I were. That's what it showed me.
Kate: But I wouldn't... I'm not the type who'd... I don't even know any doctors! I can't believe this!
Rich: Me neither. [Tosses green object lightly in the air, catches it. Rears back and throws it off the bridge, toward the river below. It disappears from sight. No splash is heard.] And even if I did believe it, it wouldn't make any difference. Like the gypsy woman said, I should make the most of whatever good comes my way, and that's definitely you. Who knows what the future holds.
Kate: Gypsy woman? Help? Lost again!
Rich: Just another highlight in the Weird Life of Rich, Boy Freak. C'mon, let's go home and forget this ever happened!


Act 3, Scene III

[Outside a church. Enter Laurie and Jamie, dressed formally.]

Laurie: I can't believe my big brother's actually married! I never thought I'd live to see the day!
Jamie: Yeah, I was pretty sure I'd tie the knot before he ever did. I even thought Gloria was gonna be the one, but what a crock that was!
Laurie: Way I heard it, mister, you soured that deal, not the other way around.
Jamie: I just have some commitment issues, that's all. It's a common trait among the males of our species, don'tcha know?
Laurie: It better not be! My brother's just married the perfect match, so if he manages to mess this up...
Jamie: Not to worry, Laur. Even he's not stupid enough to screw the pooch on this one. Trust me!
Laurie: From your lips to God's ears, Jamie.


Epilogue

[Lady Fatima's tent. Young lovers are just about to leave.]

Girl: And we're really going to be happy?
Lady Fatima: Indeed, my dear. Your aura assures it.
Girl: And we'll have children, and they'll have children, and someday we'll be surrounded by grandchildren in our old age? That's been my dream, my whole life. And you see it with your special sight, Lady Fatima?
Lady Fatima: It will be just as you say. Your Fate is clear to me.
Girl: Oh, thank you, ma'am! That means so much to me. To both of us! Thank you, thank you! [Couple exits.]

Lady Fatima: [Takes money out of fold in dress, puts it away in old money box under the table.] No need to thank me, girl. You pay for the service, and Fatima does as she is paid to do. Paid to lie, and lies are all I have now. But you will be happy, for a time. Just as the other lovers will have their happiness, for a short while, at least. Nothing lasts forever, after all.